About INSPIRATION - A personal reflection.
I am only recently building a relationship with the realms of INSPIRATION. I think I never really knew about inspiration, or what it means or better, what it means for me. What concept do I have of inspiration?
I found that I didn’t believe in inspiration. At least not for myself. I only knew artists need a muse, writers need an inspiration for their storylines and characters. But does that count for my life and my work? I found that I thought I failed or that it is wrong to not intrinsically just produce ideas, art, products, businesses ... I found that believe within myself that there ought to be this magical well that you have to find and connect to. From there all you need and want is showing itself to you. Even further, only then you are “correct” in what you want or desire. Only then it is truly you. Everything else is just an implanted idea of other people, the society, you running away from something, you clinging onto something, ...
I don’t know why I have that believe - maybe because I was infiltrated with a believe system that only focused on critique, that something needs to be fixed, it’s never enough, there is always room for improvement or someone who knows it better.
Maybe because so many of the holistic approaches to healing in psychology or spiritual practices are based on that inner wisdom, that self that “knows”, that stillness from where everything is born, that universal truth.
Maybe the struggle to live in times where on the one hand you are forced into a rigid system (school, taxes, insurances, politics, generational believes, patriarchy), where you have to do things the way they want you to - not to forget the rebellious left wing, that is against all of that but maybe just the other side of the coin - and on the other hand the internet/media that is selling the ultimate freedom, where “you do you” but with everything already being out there and nothing that doesn’t already exist. Is there even a thing left to invent? And in that tension I sometimes find myself so frustrated and lost and against everything that the only safe space is my inner pure core. There I can be safe from all those wrong influences. So don’t dare to get inspired by the outside world - it’s a rotten apple. Just hide. Even if nothing is there to find. Off track here, too deep, emerging to the surface again to continue...
Well, I state that I very rarely find that well. Maybe mine is very dry, not layed out or magically hidden, and that I feel bad for “needing” an external impulse to get me into an inspired state where I actually get ideas and get motivated. That I need an input from outside to push me over the edge of my inner prison to finally become productive, active, creative. And I decided that maybe I have to come to terms with it. Maybe that is ok? Maybe I can still search for that inner genius or be sad about not finding it and at the same time try to be ok with me needing INSPIRATION from outside to get my inner juices flowing. I have felt that magical inner out of nothing seed that incorporates what I truly want and want to do -and it is awesome. But it is so rare and it was exhausting to get there. I had to go through layers of blockages and frustration and sadness to accept the nothingness inside me only to wake up the next morning to be pregnant with a new idea. It was special, because it was my own - but was it truly? Was it not inspired by all the influences I have consciously or subconsciously encountered in my life? I will never now. Until then I will do my best to connect to that hidden well and in the meantime I am good with using what life is throwing at me. The world is so rich out there and I don’t want to feel bad to use and grab it.
It can be a podcast where they just say that one random word that absolutely makes no sense but it suddenly gets my ideas talking. It can be that song, unwillingly sponsored, that puts me in that flowy state where I can let go, calm down and smile and just be ok with what is. It can be my friend who builds her own bed to get me inspired to finally put my art up on the wall. It can be that IG-Ad who makes me feel sad not to have that fantasy life, but to actually make me so frustrated about my lazyness that I finally do a first step and get going with my own life. It can be an aimless internet search where I stumble upon a massage video that resonates so much with me that I enroll in a course. It can be that travel-lover that lives on another continent and makes me want to explore the world. It can be that phone call to my friend who is in sync with me and suddenly puts me into an energized state. Why not? That is OK! Accidents, chances, the universe, ... I take it. And now I know I need it. And I allow myself to need it. I have to remind myself that allowing is OK, too. ALLOWING is a magical word btw.
It is not a failure to need external input, to follow people or copy things... if it wasn’t right for me, I wouldn’t even be interested in what others are saying. And along the way - that I trust in completely - I will build my own output. I will deconstruct all they give me and rebuild it into a new version that is my perfect fit ... until it needs adjustment again. And so I will enrich the world with my own style and maybe inspire others to do the same. To find their unique way. My unique way, with lots of curves and detours in it. :)
